So here's the deal...

I think that for some reason, i'm either pushing people away or they just no longer want to be near me or something. A place which I used to call a form of home feels as foreign as a room in a motel that gets rented by the hour. I feel as if (yet again), people leave the room when I enter. People talk about me behind my back. And since I don't have a form of transportation, I don't get to see people as often as i'd like to, so i'm sure there's people out there that feel neglected, and they probably feel resentful towards me. At home, i'm hella lonely. I don't have anyone to talk to since wady left. Every day, I go home, I go to my room and watch tv. I'm literarily rotting away in the pigsty which is my bedroom. And I feel as if i have no drive to do anything. I never wanted to be one of those people who is like "Hey, look at me here, i'm here lalalallalallalallaaaaa!!!", but I do feel as if I go through life with this facade, this shell, or shield of sorts that just covers everything and makes everyone believe that everything's allright. (Kinda like the dashboard song "saints and sailors", "don't be a liar... don't say that everything's working when everything's broken, and you smile like a saint, but you curse like a sailor, and you might say the joke's on me") And just now, people are starting to realize that there's something else there. I get the "you're unusually quiet" phrase from a lot of people. And I tell them, oh, i'm thinkin' of something...the other day, my friend asks me "are you ok? you look like you're going to cry!" and all I did was smile, and she figured I was ok. so she moved on to other conversations with other people. Shiet. I think that no one really knows me. Really really knows the real me. the people who probably know me the most are Rachel (who i've known for a good 10 years now), Stephanie, and Erika. Yet, I don't think they realize the effect their actions have on me. I spoke with Steph not too long ago, and she told me that she and rach kinda felt neglected, like I don't want to spend time with them. I'm telling you here, that's not the case at all. I love you two from the bottom of my heart. You two are some of the people I cherish most in the world. And I hate that you guys feel neglected. But I do have a lot of responsibilities at school, which is why i'm usually there so late. And I swear, I don't prefer the triton peeps over you guys. I swear to god I don't, I love you guys all equally. It just sucks that I never get to see you guys, (well, I see steph at least 3 times a week, which is awesome, but rachel every once in a while) because of the fact that I spend so much time at school. And I wish that you guys would come out with me and my triton peeps, just so we can all get along. Yes, ALL OF US! (I don't want you guys holding any more resentment towards anyone, I swear. I'm mostly over the whole shpiel, so please please please, let's alljust get along with everyone.) When I go out with them, it's purely a spur of the moment thing. And i'm sorry that whenever we go out, the plans end up changing because of me. I'm sorry though. I just want you guys to know that I do have responsibilities to attend to at school, and I hope you guys understand that. I hope you know i'm not trying to make you guys feel bad on purpose. I just ask one thing though. Please don't rub it in when I see you guys that I never get to go out. Or when you call me, i'm sorry if I can't answer the phone at the time, I really apologize, but it doesn't help me when I hear it from you guys. I know it's because you care, but please. It makes me feel lower than dirt, and I'm already dealing with enough stress from other people, so I don't want to make you guys more upset and make me more upset. Wow, what a friggin rant here. Oh, i reffered to a person by...their current status, I guess you could say. And it felt good. Oh, congrats to the eboard: Prez- Erika VP- Lan Treas- Spence Sec- Christina Stud. Trustee- Danielle Good luck to y'all on your upcoming year!